Just Like Magnum PI
by Red Witch
Summary: How Archer and the gang got out of the desert and into Los Angeles.
1. To The Promised Land Moses!

**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is out in the desert somewhere. Finally! Season Seven is here! This is my explanation at some behind the scenes stuff about what happened during the time between the two seasons. This story takes place not very long after the ending of Drastic Voyage Part II.**

 **Just Like Magnum PI**

 **Chapter One: To The Promised Land Moses! **

Somewhere in New Mexico a battered pickup truck plodded along the highway. With some unusual passengers cramped in the back. In fact they don't get more unusual than this bunch.

"I hate you all…" Mallory Archer grumbled as she rode in the back with her son and the rest of her agents. They were all dirty and disheveled and sitting shoulder to shoulder around the truck bed. "I hate you all so much…"

She then gagged. "And now I've swallowed a bug! Probably the only protein I'll get in a long time thanks to you idiots!"

"Oh will you stop **whining?** " Lana barked as she held AJ who was crying. "You're not dying or anything!"

"Unlike Ray who is literally dying," Krieger frowned as he held Ray's unconscious head in his lap. Ray was sprawled out in the middle of the truck bed. "Seriously I'm really worried about him."

"Worry about **us**!" Mallory snapped. "We might as well all be dead!"

She grimaced at her outfit. "Thanks to this wreck and the lousy driving my new dress is covered in dust! Ecch! And I swallowed **another bug**!"

BUMP!

" **Another** bump?" Mallory shouted as the jeep banged along. "What? Is our driver purposely trying to hit every pothole in the damn state?"

"Hey! We're just lucky Lupe happened to be driving by," Archer barked. "So show some appreciation Mother!"

Archer banged the side of the truck to get the driver's attention. "Lupe! Cuanto mas?"

Lupe, a familiar older woman wearing sunglasses called back. "Unos treinta minutos como tengo suficiente gas." _(About thirty minutes if I don't run out of gas.)_

"Gracias Lupe!" Archer called out. "I owe you one!"

" _I'll settle for gas money,"_ Lupe replied in her native tongue. _"By the way, how is the dying crippled homosexual?"_

"Not too good," Archer gave a look at Ray. "He's been better."

"We've all been better!" Mallory snapped. "And it's **all your fault!"**

"Jesus! Change the record already!" Cheryl snapped. "How long are you going to bitch about this?"

"For as long as we're banned from being spies!" Mallory snapped. "Which is probably forever! Because of all of **you!** "

"We **know** Mallory!" Lana snapped as she quieted AJ with some gentle pats. "We were there! Not like we're going to forget about it anytime soon."

"And she's not going to **let us** forget about it anytime soon," Cyril grumbled.

"I can't believe you idiots!" Mallory shouted. "On second thought **yes I can!"**

"Keep going on and on about it why don't you?" Cheryl groaned. "That was like forever ago!"

"IT WAS TWO HOURS AGO!" Mallory shouted. "ONLY TWO HOURS AGO YOU RUINED MY LIFE GOLDFISH BRAIN!"

AJ started to cry again. "Oh shut up!" Mallory shouted at her.

"HEY!" Lana and Archer barked.

" **You** shut up!" Lana growled at Mallory.

"Why don't you **all shut up** , shutting up?" Cheryl snapped.

"Put a glue covered sock in it Miss Stabby!" Mallory snarled.

"You're not my supervisor!" Cheryl snapped. "Wait…She's really not my supervisor right?"

"Not anymore," Pam glared at Mallory.

"Then again…YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!" Cheryl shouted.

"You have ruined my life!" Mallory groaned. "You idiots have **ruined my life**!"

"Not to mention the life of that scientist guy we killed," Pam added. "And those other people we killed. And probably Ray."

"Not yet," Krieger said. "He's still hanging in there."

"He's dead weight!" Mallory snapped. "Literally! Shove him out of the truck and leave him behind!"

"We are **not** throwing Ray out of the truck!" Lana barked.

"Of course **you** wouldn't!" Mallory glared. "Then again you're all dead weight so…"

"Oh just stop it!" Cheryl snapped. "Your bitching is giving me an earache!"

"You're not my supervisor!" Mallory shouted back.

"That's **my line**!" Cheryl screamed. She pulled a tungsten needle out from somewhere. "You old dried up bat!"

"What the…?" Pam did a double take.

"Where the hell did she get **that**?" Cyril screamed in panic.

"Oh dear God! Not **again!"** Krieger gasped.

"This day just keeps getting suckier," Archer groaned.

"I'm gonna stab you all!" Cheryl screamed. "Starting with **you!"** She lunged at Mallory.

"GET HER!" Archer shouted. He grabbed Cheryl along with Pam and Cyril. They fought with her trying to wrestle the needle away from her.

"WATCH IT!" Lana yelled protectively cradling AJ who was crying again. "STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY!"

"I don't care about your stupid gross baby!" Cheryl fought back. "I just care about stabbing **her!** " She glared at Mallory.

"GET HER AWAY FROM ME!" Mallory shouted as they fought.

"Watch it! Ray's close to death now as it is!" Krieger shouted as the others jostled. "OW! Who stepped on my foot?"

"Got it!" Pam wrestled the needle away from Cheryl and threw it out of the truck. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I take it that's a _rhetorical question_?" Mallory snarled.

"Where do you get these things?" Archer asked as they let Cheryl go now that she was disarmed.

"I really don't know," Cheryl admitted.

"I don't know why we're keeping _him!_ " Mallory pointed at Ray. "There's nothing we can do for him! Let him die with dignity! Then again why should his death be any different than his life?"

"Mallory…" Lana glared at her former boss.

"It's him that's drawing all the bugs you know?" Mallory snapped. "He still has some flies…Ugh! I nearly swallowed **another one!** Wouldn't be surprised if he was doing it on purpose!"

"Mother," Archer gave his mother a look.

"We could just tell the authorities to get him later!" Mallory snapped. "It will be easy! All they have to do is look for the buzzards!"

"We're not abandoning Ray!" Cyril snapped.

"Fine! Then throw me out to the buzzards!" Mallory wailed dramatically. "You might as well because we're all as good as dead anyway."

"Okay!" Cheryl said cheerfully.

"We're not throwing Mother out either," Archer restrained her for a moment.

"Don't do me any favors!" Mallory glared at her son.

"What did I do?" Archer asked.

"What did you **do**?" Mallory asked incredulously. "What did you **do**? You ruined my life! **That's** what you did! Because of **your failure** we've all been disavowed by the CIA!"

"For Christ's sake Mother!" Archer was exasperated. "What happened wasn't all my fault! At least fifty percent of it is Krieger's!"

"Me? What did **I do**?" Krieger asked.

"You wrecked the operation. Got us injected into Kovacs' foot and trashed that super computer containing all the shrink ray data," Cyril gave him a look.

"Oh **that,** " Krieger frowned. "Still…"

"As I was saying fifty percent is Krieger's," Archer rolled his eyes. "Twenty five percent belongs to the asshole who designed that ship in the first place! Seriously! A ship not being able to move while purging is a serious design flaw!"

"And speaking of design flaws," Archer glanced at Ray. "Five percent is Ray's for getting paralyzed again and forcing us to use Cyril to pilot the ship. And five more for Cyril for being so lousy at driving."

"Hey!" Cyril snapped.

"Technically his bad piloting is what actually killed the guy so…" Archer went on.

"HEY!" Cyril shouted.

"Five for Cheryl running amok. And maybe one or two percent at most for me not being able to take charge but I was locked in a stupid room so really…" Archer went on. "The rest is the CIA's fault."

"No! It's all **your fault**!" Mallory shouted. "All your fault!"

"Here we go…" Lana sighed.

"Because of you idiots my career as a spy is over and I have **nothing** to show for it!" Mallory wailed. "For almost fifty years I've sacrificed myself for the greater good! And what do I have to show for it? What do I get in return? NOTHING! No medals! No parades! No congratulatory speeches or fancy dinners! Not even a lousy pension!"

"Like you were ever going to get anything like that to begin with," Cheryl snorted in contempt.

"I'll kill you!" Mallory lunged at Cheryl. "I swear to God I'll do it this time!"

"HEY! WATCH IT! COME AT ME BITCH! MALLORY! MOTHER! WATCH THE BABY!" Everyone shouted as they struggled to keep Mallory and Cheryl from trying to kill each other.

"Oh what's the point?" Mallory slumped backwards, defeated. "My life is ruined! Ruined!"

"Your life is **not** ruined Mother!" Archer snapped. "Stop being such a freaking drama queen! What you're trying to take Ray's job before he…?"

"AAAAHHH!" Mallory leapt at her son in frustration. She tried to choke him and there was another round of shouting and screaming before they were pulled apart.

"Seriously people!" Lana barked. "Baby on board! It's bad enough we don't even have a freaking car seat! This is unsafe enough for AJ as it is!"

"Oh shut up about your gross germ baby!" Cheryl snapped. "Ray's practically dead and you don't hear him complaining!"

"He's unconscious and dying!" Lana snapped. "He can't exactly say much! Unlike **you**!"

"You wanna make something out of it?" Cheryl snapped.

"I will if you don't shut up!" Lana barked.

"You shut up, Trucka-saurus!" Cheryl mocked.

"Pam! Hold the baby!" She handed AJ to Pam. "I'm gonna clean Cheryl's clock!"

"I'll **help** you!" Mallory growled. Then both of them lunged at Cheryl. Therefore starting another round of 'Let's Kill Everybody in the Bed of a Pickup'.

"ENOUGH! CUT IT OUT!" Cyril shouted.

"CYRIL'S RIGHT! KNOCK IT OFF!" Archer said as he managed to push them all away. "This isn't helping!"

"What would **you** know about helping?" Mallory growled at her son.

"Oh don't start this again," Archer rolled his eyes.

"Archer's right," Krieger said. "The important thing is that we need to get out of this desert. And probably get Ray to a hospital."

"Can't we just call somebody?" Pam asked exasperated.

"We can't!" Lana snapped. "Those CIA assholes took our cellphones and refused to give us back our clothes and stuff! Remember? That's why we're still dressed like characters from a B Grade science fiction movie!"

"I'm amazed they let us have the baby bag," Cyril remarked as he pointed to Lana's bag.

"I'm more amazed they didn't search it," Lana revealed some weapons hidden under diapers when she opened it. "Our guns are in here and a few bullet clips but that's it."

"Why didn't you hide your cell phone in the baby bag?" Mallory fumed.

"I didn't think I'd **need** to!" Lana barked as she took AJ back from Pam. "I didn't think those assholes would keep my purse! And my clothes!"

"They said they'd mail it back to us but I have a feeling our stuff might get lost in the mail," Cyril made quotation marks with his hands. "Which means we have no money or credit cards either."

"Joke's on them," Pam snorted. "My credit rating's worth shit. It was being canceled anyway."

"Me too," Archer snorted.

"I don't even have a real credit card," Krieger said. "Legally anyway."

"I don't have one either," Cheryl said. "Just a bank card which I forgot to bring on this trip. I also forgot my pocketbook at home so…"

"I know Ray's was canceled and mine is pretty close to being canceled," Lana admitted. "We've both had some debt problems. Ray's mostly due to his medical bills…"

"I don't think he's going to have **that problem** much longer," Cheryl quipped.

"Well my credit card was still halfway decent!" Cyril barked.

"Who cares about **your** pathetic little **credit card?"** Mallory shouted. "They have my Black Titanium card! Oh dear God those CIA dicks have my Black Titanium card!"

"So?" Archer asked. "What are they going to do with it anyway?"

Meanwhile…Back at the CIA black site…

"Hello? Hammacher-Schlemer?" Slater called from his cell phone. He held up Mallory's Black Titanium card. "I'd like to place an order."

He looked at a list. "First I'd like five 36 inch OLED televisions. Yes the ones that are about ten thousand dollars each. Fifteen live feed video drones. A couple of massaging slippers in a large men's size. Make that three or four."

"Don't forget those high quality hotel robes," Hawley told him.

"High quality hotel robes," Slater repeated. "How many? Hold on…"

He turned to Hawley. "How many?"

"At least a dozen," Hawley said. "Might as well get back some of the money the Archers and their idiot squad leeched from us."

Then Hawley had an idea. "Ooh, say do they still have that realistic R2D2 robot? It would be a great birthday present for my nephew."

"I'll ask," Slater nodded. He went back to his phone. "So a dozen high quality hotel robes in men's large. And do you still have that realistic R2D2 robot? You do? Well then I want two of them…"

Hawley gave Slater a look. "What?" Slater asked. "I can't be a Star Wars fan?"

Back on the truck…

"There goes my credit rating…" Mallory groaned. "That's the second call I need to make when we get back to civilization. Or whatever passes for it out here in this wasteland."

"Second?" Lana asked. "Who's the first?"

"My husband! Ron? Maybe you've **heard** of him?" Mallory barked.

"That's still going on huh?" Cheryl asked.

"Yes that's **still** going on!" Mallory snapped. "We're **still** married and he's probably worried to death about what happened to me! I left him a message on his work phone but God knows he never checks it when I need him to!"

"Probably because we don't really see you two together that much anymore," Pam pointed out.

"And the few times we do you're going at it like cats and coyotes," Krieger added.

"You mean cats and dogs," Archer remarked.

"No, because sometimes cats and dogs actually **get along** ," Krieger corrected.

"Oh yeah," Archer nodded. "Like on all those videos on the Internet."

"Exactly," Krieger said. "Cats and coyotes on the other hand…"

"Coyotes are always trying to eat cats and cats are fighting for their lives," Pam finished. "Ron is the cat and Ms. Archer is the coyote. Yeah we see where you're going with that."

"That is a more accurate scenario," Cyril admitted.

"Speaking of **going** ," Mallory growled. "Where are _we going_? As in where is this Rent-A-Wreck taking us?"

"Lupe says there's a small town about thirty miles from here," Archer said. "We should be there in under an hour. Don't worry! I'm leading you all out of the desert just like…"

"Jesus Christ…" Mallory groaned.

"I was going for Moses actually…" Archer corrected.

"Well as soon as we get to wherever the hell we are going the first thing I need to do is call Ron to help us get out of the wilderness and back to New York!" Mallory snapped.

"Actually Mother that's not a good plan," Archer said.

"And you have a **better one?"** Mallory scoffed.

"Yes I do. First Carol you call whoever it is on your payroll that you call when you need a ride when you're stranded somewhere," Archer explained.

"Why does she get to call **first**?" Mallory barked.

"Uh hello? She's a billionaire and has gotta have _somebody_ on her payroll that does this kind of thing!" Pam pointed.

"I do," Cheryl nodded. "Actually there's an entire car rental slash limo service that exclusively works for the Tunt family so they can pick up whoever's gotten drunken out of their gourd and lost somewhere in the world."

"See?" Archer pointed. "She's got the money and the contacts. She can get us home."

"One time my Dad got totally lost in Alaska when he was supposed to be in Florida opening a new hotel," Cheryl said. "Funny story…"

"Some other time," Archer interrupted. "So Carol calls first. Then Krieger for whatever medical supplies he needs to fix up Ray here…"

"You're putting the dead stupid gay cyborg ahead of **me**?" Mallory shouted.

"He's not dead!" Krieger barked. "Technically. Yet…"

"Yeah he does not look good," Pam winced as she looked at Ray.

"Then after Krieger calls you can call Ron," Archer told his mother. "And then your credit card company."

"I can't believe I'm saying this," Cyril said. "But that is a good plan. Especially for Archer."

"Oh goody for him!" Mallory snarled. "Does he also have a plan on what we're going to do for a living now?"

"Actually I do," Archer nodded.

"Which is?" Mallory growled.

"I'll tell you when we get cleaned up and rested a little," Archer said. "Honestly things are a little tense right now…"

"No? YOU THINK?" Mallory asked sarcastically.

"Really don't appreciate the tone Mother," Archer said.

"You don't appreciate **my tone**?" Mallory shouted. "Well I don't appreciate you ruining **my life**!"

"Oh God how long are you going to **go on** about this?" Archer shouted. "It's not like my life hasn't been affected either you know? But who cares? At least we're out from under the thumb of the CIA!"

"Yes and now we've been left in the **dust!** " Mallory shouted. "Both literally and figuratively! Look at me! I am covered in dirt and dust while riding like a freaking migrant worker to a potato farm!"

"Mallory this is not helping!" Lana groaned as AJ kept crying.

"Well neither is that child's crying! What is she hungry again?" Mallory snapped. "Get used to it kiddo!"

"She's upset because you assholes **keep yelling!"** Lana screamed. "Oh sorry baby! Sorry sweetie…"

"She's an Archer! She should get used to it!" Mallory snapped. "As well as failure, disappointment…"

"Mother! We get it! You're not happy!" Archer barked.

"Not happy? _**Not happy**_?" Mallory gave him a disbelieving look. "I **passed** _not happy_ when Krieger screwed up the operation! I **zipped** by _upset and dismayed_ when you idiots killed Dr. Kovacs and at least four doctors and nurses when you burst out of his skull! You spread his brains and body organs all over the place like watermelon at a Gallheger show! And I **burst past** the speed of sound _of utter shock and horror_ when Krieger smashed that super computer into oblivion along with all my hopes and dreams!"

Mallory paused for a moment. "All right Sterling. I agree technically Krieger is fifty percent responsible for what happened."

"Just saying," Archer remarked.

"Hey!" Krieger pouted.

"Truth hurts buddy," Archer shrugged.

"But now…" Mallory had a wild look in her eye. "Now…I am at _pure unadulterated rage_ _and loathing_! If I still had my gun I would shoot **all of you**! Then instruct Lupe to raise my granddaughter as her own before blowing up my own brains! And to leave our corpses for the buzzards!"

"Hey!" Archer snapped. "Inappropes!"

"What is **wrong** with you?" Lana snapped.

"I take it **that's** a rhetorical question?" Cheryl quipped.

"I hate you all so much…" Mallory's eye twitched. "I hate you so much that flames…flames are coming out of my head. Flames on the side of my face. Breathing…heaving breaths. Heaving breaths. Heathing…"

"You are just never going to shut up about this are you?" Cyril grumbled.

"God why can't you be more like Ray?" Pam asked.

"You mean **dead**?" Mallory shouted.

"Exactly," Pam narrowed her eyes at her.

"Hey!" Krieger shouted. "Inappropes!"

"Ray isn't dead yet!" Lana protested.

"Not for lack of trying," Mallory grumbled. "Great a suicidal sissy cyborg! That's all we need!"

"Don't joke about that Mother!" Archer snapped.

"Why the hell do **you** care all of the sudden?" Mallory snapped. "What? Upset that you're not the one who got him killed **this time**?"

"Mother!" Archer gasped.

"We were all thinking it!" Mallory snapped.

"No, we weren't!" Lana snapped.

"I was," Cheryl admitted.

"Since when do you think **at all**?" Mallory shouted. "Not that **anyone else** in this brain trust thinks that much to begin with!"

"Mallory," Lana's voice warned. "We are **all** tired, sore, broke, hungry, dirty and cranky. My child is scared and needs her diaper changed. And one of my best friends is dying **again**! So I would appreciate it very much if you just **zip it!"**

"Lana…" Mallory began.

"ZIP IT!" Lana snarled with menace in her voice. "JUST ZIP IT!"

Mallory grimaced. "You don't have to be so touchy…"

Lana took a breath. "Look we all had a really, really, really bad day. Pointing fingers and laying blame on each other will not accomplish anything."

"Convenient for **you** to say that," Mallory grumbled.

"ZIP IT G-MAW!" Lana snapped.

"It's Grandmother Archer!" Mallory shouted back.

"IT'S GOING TO BE MUD IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP AND ZIP IT!" Lana shouted.

Lana took a deep breath before starting again. "The important thing now is to get Ray some medical attention. Get home and get cleaned up and fed."

"And something to drink," Pam added. "Because I'm still thirsty."

"And something to drink…" Lana sighed. "Something very strong to drink."

"I thought you were still breastfeeding," Krieger said.

"I am," Lana remarked. "But I'm willing to chance it. Considering AJ's DNA…I think some alcohol in my system won't hurt her. Especially since my child is currently riding in the back of a pickup truck being bounced along like a potato sack…REEKING OF SMOKE! DID YOU LET SOMEONE SMOKE AROUND MY BABY?"

" **That's** what's got you so upset?" Mallory blinked. "She's used to it by now."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY **NOW?** " Archer shouted.

"You let Ron smoke around her haven't you?" Lana shouted.

"Who said I **let** him smoke?" Mallory snapped. "The bastard does it on his own! You think I **like** airing the room all the time? Especially since I just had the drapes cleaned!"

"Lana I think it's safe to say that the ship of protecting your child from harmful substances has sailed," Cyril groaned. "And I think she just ate a bug…"

Lana let out a breath. "Right now none of us are thinking clearly…And we have other issues to take care of."

Lana absently took a look at Ray. "He really doesn't look well."

"I'm amazed he's still alive," Krieger said. "I mean I can still probably revive him if he does die but uh…"

"As I was saying," Lana sighed. "Before we let our tempers get the better of us…"

"Too late," Cheryl spoke up.

"We need to take care of Ray and ourselves before we make any decisions on what to do with our lives," Lana said. "Now that we are no longer a spy agency."

Lana blinked. "Oh my God…We're not spies anymore. My fifteen years of being an intelligence agent have just gone down the drain…"

"Technically fourteen and a half," Pam corrected. "Remember? The drug cartel/country music/arms dealing/San Marcos coup thing?"

"Yes Pam! I clearly remember the Summer of Cocaine, Coups and Country Music!" Lana said in an annoyed tone. "Let's just get out of this desert. Get Ray some medical help. And then we can figure out what to do!"

"Or in Ms. Archer's case, whom to do!" Cheryl quipped. "Or is it who to do? Who de do! That's a funny sound!"

"God why couldn't have it been **you** that's lying there about to die?" Mallory shouted. "Actually why can't most of you just **die**?"

"You first," Cheryl quipped.

"I hate you!" Mallory lunged towards Cheryl. "JUST DIE ALREADY!"

"BRING IT!" Cheryl fought back.

Another round of screams and shouts as the gang tried to kill or keep each other from killing each other erupted.

Lupe rolled her eyes. "Lo que un grupo de pendejos!" _(What a bunch of assholes!)_

 **What happens next? Find out next time!**


	2. Welcome To Majestic Agrestic

**Welcome to Majestic Agrestic**

"I **knew** you idiots would ruin **everything**!" Mallory went on as they rode in the truck. "I knew you would cause a screw up! God help me I had no idea how bad…"

"Is she still bitching about **that**?" Krieger asked. He was idly stroking Ray's hair.

"Yes!" Cheryl and Pam said together in a bored tone.

"Ugh! It's like she can't think about **anything else** but her own stupid ruined life!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "And it's not like she had that much of it left in the first place!"

"Half my contacts probably won't even take my calls now," Mallory wailed. "People I've known for decades will cut me **dead!"**

"Haven't half of your contacts **already** cut you dead?" Pam asked.

"Isn't the other half of your contacts **literally dead**?" Cheryl spoke up.

"Oh it's more than half by now," Pam told her.

"It's at least over 60 percent easily," Archer told them. "So many heart attacks. And not just the guys she slept with. A lot of women get it too."

"You mean like the few female friends she actually had in high society?" Pam asked.

"Yeah remember Mrs. Helffelwhite?" Archer said.

"Oh right," Pam nodded. "That old racist bat and Ms. Archer were like two peas in a racist pod."

"Yeah they went out to lunch at least once a week for six months straight," Cheryl added. "Which is a record for her. I mean she never holds onto friends that long."

"And remember how she died?" Pam prompted.

"Heart attack in the women's restroom at Cirque," Archer nodded. "Remember Mother? You were wondering what took her so long in the bathroom."

"Until the paramedics came and you recognized her big ass shoes poking out from under the sheet as they were wheeling her out," Pam said.

"Heart attacks are the number one cause of death for both women and men," Archer nodded. "It's an epidemic."

"It really is," Pam agreed.

"I guess it's too much to hope for one of you idiots would get a heart attack **right now!"** Mallory grumbled. "Or me with all the stress I've had today!"

"I know. I am so stressed from today! I'm gonna need some time off," Cheryl told Mallory.

"You have all the time in the world now!" Mallory shouted. "The agency is closed down! Remember?"

"I know that duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes. "I'm saying before we go back to close things down."

"We can't go back to close things down because the CIA is already doing it as we speak!" Mallory shouted.

"Oh well that's convenient," Cheryl said cheerfully. "And that means you can give me the time off without any problem!"

"SERIOUSLY? WHY CAN'T WE THROW HER OFF THE TRUCK?" Mallory shouted.

"Nobody is throwing anybody off the truck!" Lana barked at Mallory. AJ had calmed down but was still a little fussy.

"You won't throw the dying cyborg sissy off the truck," Mallory grumbled. "You won't throw Cheryl off the truck! You are just determined to make me miserable aren't you?"

"Keep it up lady," Pam snapped. "We'll throw **you** off the truck!"

"Again, for the thousandth time," Lana was frustrated. "We're **not** throwing **anybody** off the damn truck!"

"Why not?" Cheryl asked. "She's been nothing but a bummer this entire ride!"

"Really bringing morale down with her negativity," Pam agreed.

Lupe driving up front grumbled in her native language. " _I have had riders who held cock fights in my truck that were quieter!"_

"I hate you all!" Mallory wailed. "You idiots have **ruined my life!** I mean I knew deep down you idiots would screw things up but not **this badly**!"

"Change the record why don't you?" Cyril snapped.

"You have been bitching about that the entire trip!" Pam snapped.

"Well **what else** is there for me to talk about on the Pickup from Hell?" Mallory snapped. "The dying gay bionic cyborg with a black hand? Who has just landed the top spot in the **least** annoying category for once. Only because there's a good chance I'll never have to hear his annoying whiny voice again!"

"Which is more than what we can say for you!" Cheryl snapped.

"It's not whining when you actually have a **valid complaint**!" Mallory shouted. "You know? The fact that our agency has shut down and we are no longer spies?"

"Unless of course this is all an elaborate set up you cooked up with the CIA to sell more cocaine again!" Lana snapped.

"Well that was uncalled for," Mallory huffed.

"Kind of accurate though," Cheryl remarked. "Let's just hope if we take over another country again Cyril can hold onto it longer than three weeks. Then again this is Cyril we're talking about…"

"Cheryl I swear to god," Cyril growled. "If you don't shut up I will break your neck and leave you dead in a ditch!"

"I've heard that before!" Cheryl snorted. "Don't make promises you can't keep!"

"Shut up Cheryl!" Mallory shouted.

" **You** shut up!" Cheryl shouted back.

"ALL OF YOU SHUT UP!" Krieger yelled. "What the hell is **wrong** with all of you people? Ray is literally dying! This man is at death's door and the only thing you people are capable of is bitching about your own problems! Why don't you try to have some compassion for once in your miserable lives and think about someone else?"

Krieger paused a beat. "That being said I want it on the record that if Ray dies I get his corpse. And his clothes. What? He's a very fashionable dresser!"

"Oh shut up you Nazi nitwit!" Mallory snapped.

"I AM NOT A HITLER CLONE!" Krieger shouted back.

"WELL YOU'RE SOME KIND OF CLONE THAT THE NAZIS MADE UP!" Mallory shouted.

"That's true," Cyril agreed. "She didn't say Hitler clone. She said Nazi. Not Hitler."

"Well then okay in that respect she might be right," Krieger admitted. "But you do realize now that I'm not a Hitler clone right?"

"Yes, Krieger! We now acknowledge that!" Archer rolled his eyes.

"I'm just saying…" Krieger protested. "Names like that really hurt my feelings."

"Oh God Krieger is the sissy rubbing off Gillette and onto you?" Mallory barked.

"Mother shut up," Archer barked. "You have to admit Krieger has a point!"

"Thank you!" Krieger acknowledged. "It's like when people call you a James Bond clone."

"I said I get it Krieger," Archer told him. "And again, he copied **me!** "

"Almost forty years before you were even a spy?" Cyril asked.

"Well obviously I was referring to the newer incarnations," Archer shrugged.

"Not this argument again…" Mallory groaned. "That's it! I'm jumping out of the truck!"

"You don't have to Mother," Archer said. "We're almost there!"

"Almost where?" Lana asked as she looked around. "Oh my God!"

"Holy smoke stacks!" Pam gasped.

"Geezy Pete!" Cyril whistled.

They drove through a neighborhood that was nothing but burned out husks of several houses. Burned out trucks and cars were on lawns and driveways. "Wow it looks like we missed a fun party," Cheryl remarked.

"Great! We're out of the desert and into a war zone!" Lana groaned.

"What god forsaken hellhole is this place?" Mallory groaned. "Is it even on a map?"

"Not most maps," Archer admitted. "Lupe told me all about it. The town used to be called Agrestic but then it was taken over and incorporated into another town called Majestic. Which lasted only a few months until a huge fire burned most of Agrestic and part of Majestic. So Majestic dumped Agrestic and the town became New Agrestic. Until a week later when they found out another town in the same state had the same name. Which also got burned by a fire believe it or not."

"Sounds complicated," Cyril blinked.

"It was," Archer nodded. "Eventually the town renamed itself Majestic Agrestic but by then most of the people in both communities had moved out."

"Because of the fire?" Lana asked.

"And a few other reasons," Archer said. "Apparently the job market around here is practically nonexistent. Well the legal one anyway…"

"I'm sure the local crack dealers must have some kind of neighborhood association," Mallory quipped.

"Actually according to Lupe no one sells crack here," Archer explained. "This is strictly a marijuana farming town."

"Oh well that's completely different," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"It is in Colorado," Cyril remarked.

"And then the housing market bubble burst the exact same time as the fire so…" Archer finished.

"So I'm guessing there isn't a working hospital in this town either!" Lana groaned.

"Well not since the mold outbreak and the lawsuit concerning the used needles, no," Archer said. "But Lupe says that she has a lot of medical equipment in the basement of her place."

"You might want to start working on Gillette's eulogy Lana…" Mallory sighed. "I'll go first. Gillette wasn't much but at least he was lucky enough to die…"

"He's not dead yet!" Lana snapped.

"Gillette! Go into the light!" Mallory leaned over and shouted at him. "Go into the light! Lots of handsome naked gay men romping around there! JUST GO INTO THE LIGHT YOU LUCKY BASTARD!"

"Mallory shut up you're not helping!" Lana barked.

"Yeah shut up! I think we're here!" Archer barked.

"Boy are we ever!" Pam whistled as they turned a corner to a block that was completely unscathed. In fact every house looked almost brand new.

"Woah…" Lana whistled as the pickup truck pulled into a three story mini mansion. "Lupe's done pretty well for herself."

"This is **your house**?" Archer did a double take as Lupe parked the truck.

" _It is for now,"_ Lupe told him in her tongue. _"The real estate crisis hit this town very hard. I moved in last year when everyone else was evicted. I know the real estate agent so I got a very good deal on the rent. Very cheap."_

"Really?" Archer blinked as the others started to get out. "Wow, it even has a pool."

"Unbelievable," Mallory grumbled as she staggered out of the vehicle. "An illegal immigrant is living in a mansion and I'm stranded in the desert!"

"An illegal immigrant you indirectly helped smuggle into the country," Lana gave her a look.

"Yes Lana I am aware of this new thing called irony!" Mallory barked.

"Sorry to impose on you Lupe," Archer said to his friend.

" _Actually I'm used to it,"_ Lupe explained _. "See this house is a way station for immigrants passing through to find work."_

"And I'm guessing you charge a fee," Archer sighed.

"Si," Lupe nodded.

"Okay I'm sure we can work something out," Archer sighed. "Carol when you make the call tell them to bring some cash too or something. How much Lupe?"

" _Normally I charge seven grand but for you I charge only five,"_ Lupe said.

"Five grand Carol!" Archer called out.

" _I also charge five grand for group rates fake ID's,"_ Lupe spoke up. _"I do very high quality work."_

"Well since we don't have any ID's…" Cyril sighed. "The CIA took those too…"

"Make it ten grand Carol!" Archer shouted. "We get fake ID's thrown in too!"

" _And I want extra for transporting that loudmouth bitch that won't shut up!"_ Lupe pointed at Mallory.

" **What** did you call me?" Mallory shouted.

"Make it an even twenty Carol!" Archer groaned.

"I speak Spanish you little wetback!" Mallory growled. "I know what you said!"

" _Then you should know you should watch your tongue before someone cuts it out!"_ Lupe snarled.

"You want to go round with me?" Mallory snarled.

" _Bring it bitch!"_ Lupe snarled.

"I'll snap you like a twig!" Mallory snarled before she was restrained by Archer.

"Hey! Stop it! This isn't the time for this!" Archer barked. "Sorry about this Lupe."

" _Why the hell are you defending this horrible woman?"_ Lupe asked.

"She's my mother," Archer sighed.

" _That explains a few things about you,"_ Lupe said to Archer while giving Mallory a critical eye.

"Wait, she understands English but she doesn't **speak it**?" Cyril blinked.

"Don't think about it Cyril," Archer sighed. "Just go with it."

"And speaking of going," Krieger remarked as he tried to get Ray out of the truck. "I'm going to need help with Ray here!"

"Not it!" Everyone but Cyril shouted.

"Damn it!" Cyril snapped.

"That's all well and good but Ray need a hospital!" Lana protested. "Real medical attention!"

Lupe responded by taking out a remote and turning it on. A large garage opened up that looked like an emergency medical unit. Filled with computers and medical equipment and a large operating table.

"I can work with this," Krieger nodded. "Come Cyril!"

"Captain Figgis report to the MASH unit…" Cyril groaned as they brought Ray inside.

"I need to change AJ…" Lana sighed as AJ started crying again. "And probably feed her too."

"Ha!" Mallory began.

"Mother I swear to god if you make one more crack about my infant daughter being overweight I will tell Krieger to use whatever parts of your body he can to fix Ray!" Archer growled.

"You're bluffing…" Mallory stiffened.

"Hey Krieger…" Archer began.

"Leaving!" Mallory moved away. "Let's just go inside!"

"Yeah let's go inside," Archer shrugged.

They entered the house and found it very clean and tastefully decorated. "Holy sparkle-snacks!" Pam whistled. "Lupe you are doing all right!"

"It's so clean and smells like lemons and flowers," Cheryl sniffed.

"Of course it is," Mallory groaned. "She's probably her own maid!"

" _Spoken like someone who never did a day's work in her own life!"_ Lupe snarled.

"At least I never had to go to work smuggled in the trunk of someone's car!" Mallory snapped. "Okay that one time in Zanzibar…"

"Mother. Shut up," Archer groaned. "Lupe where's the phone?"

" _Over there,"_ Lupe pointed.

"Carol, go make the call," Archer ordered.

"Okay!" Cheryl went off to make the call.

"At least we can get showered and changed," Archer said.

"Into **what**?" Lana snapped. "We have no clothes!"

"Maybe Lupe has something somewhere or there's a store around here?" Archer suggested.

"I am not wearing something from Wal-Mart!" Mallory snapped.

"Of course not," Archer scoffed. "Lupe says the Wal-Mart closed down last year. That's another reason this place is a ghost town."

" _Don't worry senoritas,"_ Lupe told them. _"I have a few cousins and friends who are cross dressers. They are very stylish too. I'm sure there is something in your sizes in the closet."_

"See? No problem," Archer grinned.

"Ugh I need to take care of AJ," Lana groaned.

" _This way my dear,"_ Lupe took Lana to another room. _"And you old one! Don't even think of stealing my silverware!"_

"Of all the nerve!" Mallory snapped.

" _Don't think I won't check your pocketbook when you leave!"_ Lupe shouted.

"Who does she think she is?" Mallory bristled.

"Besides the owner of **this house**?" Pam asked acidly. "And the woman who saved our asses from getting roasted in the desert?"

"Oh shut up!" Mallory snarled.

"You shut up!" Pam snapped back.

"Both of you shut up!" Archer snapped. "Look I get it. It's been a long day and we're all tired and cranky and need a drink."

"I need an entire god damned bar after what you idiots put me through!" Mallory snarled. "The sooner I call Ron and New York…And my credit card company oh God!"

"Mother don't play the poverty card," Archer told her. "We all know you have some money squirreled away from the unauthorized missions!"

"Not as much as you'd think," Mallory grumbled.

"Okay the good news is that I made the call and someone will come here to pick us up and bring money," Cheryl walked up to them. "The bad news is that it won't be for at least three days."

"Three days? Three days stuck here?" Mallory snapped.

" _Not exactly a dream come true for me either,"_ Lupe said as she walked back to them. _"Okay there's another shower upstairs if anyone wants to use it. Lana will use the one downstairs after she is done with the baby."_

"Me! I got dibs!" Archer called out as he brushed past them.

"Oh don't bother asking me if I want a shower!" Mallory shouted. "I only gave birth to you!"

"And that's all you did!" Archer shouted as he left.

"Since when did he pick up all this…?" Mallory bristled.

"Backbone?" Pam asked.

"I was going to say sass!" Mallory glared at her.

"By the way the phone's free," Cheryl remarked.

"Damn it! I need to make a call! I'll berate you idiots later!" She stormed off to use the phone.

"So is there anything to do in Bordertown?" Pam asked Lupe sarcastically. "Or do we have to wait a whole year for the next Meth by Moonlight party?"

" _Eh we have bootleg satellite TV,"_ Lupe shrugged.

"Good enough for me," Pam shrugged.

"I don't know," Cheryl snickered. "Something tells me if we stick around Ms. Archer is going to give us some pretty juicy entertainment!"


	3. We Knew This Was Coming

**We Knew This Was Coming **

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE THROUGH?" Mallory screamed into the phone. "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY BREAKING UP WITH ME WHILE I'M LITERALLY STRANDED IN THE DESERT?"

"Uh oh," Pam quipped.

"Trouble on the old home front," Cheryl mocked.

The two women were on the couch in a living room still wearing their Fantastic Voyage rip off clothes. They were drinking scotch and having assorted snacks while Mallory was standing on the other side of the room screaming into the hand held phone.

"Ron! Listen to me!" Mallory spoke into the phone. "I have had one of the **worst** days of my entire life. And considering my life that's saying something! Well for one thing I lost my job! Yes, Sterling and the brain trust blew another mission to Hell! Literally!"

Mallory paused. "Well I keep saying literally because that is what happened! I don't want to go over all the details but I've been blackballed! It means I'm no longer a spymaster! Which means when I come home all I have is you and my social circle."

Mallory then blinked. "What do you mean by not even **that**? Wait…What? Okay back up! First let's start with this whole divorce thing! Why do you want a divorce **now**? Well that's not an issue since I'm not a spy anymore! You got what you wanted on that front!"

Mallory then paused. "What bill? Oh for crying out loud Ron do you have any idea how much it costs to restock an armory? And it's still not even half full…Again since I don't have an agency anymore you won't have to pay any more bills like that."

Mallory then frowned. "What the hell did Trudy Beekman say about my party? She's a liar and a…Hans? What **about** him? Oh my God that was over fifty years….Really? You're going to divorce me over something that happened over fifty years ago?"

"Wait what doctor?" Mallory blinked. "Which one called? Oh right. Yeah. Him. I can explain. A few years ago Sterling got breast cancer and I may have gone out with his doctor one or two times…Okay three or four but…Well I didn't tell him to call the apartment! Obviously I didn't tell him I was married because it was so long…"

Mallory did a double take. "What do you mean he wasn't the only one who called?"

"Oh this just keeps getting better," Cheryl snickered.

"Peggy? Why would I sleep with a Peggy?" Mallory asked. "Oh the Senator's wife Peggy! He said what? When…? Oh boy…How did she…? God I hate that Madison Ashton!"

"Remind me to check that website again," Pam told Cheryl.

"She never should have went on it in the first place," Cheryl shook her head.

"I know," Pam said. "The security on there is worse than ours."

"Wait what?" Mallory did a double take. "What did Hawley tell you? What did **you** tell Hawley? WHAT?"

"And the plot thickens," Pam quipped.

"How could you sell me out like that?" Mallory barked. "I don't care if it's the damn government I'm your wife! Yes I know not for much longer! I still am **now!** "

"Like she really didn't see this coming?" Cheryl snorted.

"What do you mean you're changing the locks as we speak?" Mallory shouted. "What do you mean by I'm not welcome back in New York anyway? What do you mean…? I've been **what?** No, no. NO! BEEKMAN! THAT BITCH!"

"Five will get you ten Ron and Trudy Beekman hook up somewhere down the road," Pam spoke up.

"Duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"Ron please! We can work this out," Mallory said. "Oh for…How long are you going to hold a grudge over that Yakuza thing? Seriously? It's not like you died!"

"Ironically if he did she wouldn't have had to worry about a divorce," Cheryl quipped.

"Ron…Ron!" Mallory pleaded. "Please Ron let's talk this out! I can change! I can cut back on my hours at work like you wanted!"

"Of course you can!" Pam shouted. "You don't have a job anymore!"

"WILL YOU TWO IDIOTS SHUT UP AND LET ME TALK HERE?" Mallory shouted at them.

"Run Ron!" Cheryl called out. "Run for your life!"

"Away from your wife!" Pam added.

"YOU ARE NOT HELPING!" Mallory shouted.

She turned back to the phone. "Ron please! But…But…Oh come on! That's a little…Ron please! We can talk this over! Get more therapy. Not that those quacks were any good but…What do you mean some of them were spot on?"

Mallory let out a breath of anger. "Ron, please! I need you! Now more than ever! What do you mean by **that crack**? Ron please! Let's talk this over!"

Mallory grimaced. "All right Ron! If that's the way you want it! Fine! I'll get a lawyer and…What do you mean? Yes I remember the pre nup I had you sign….Ohhhhhh…"

"To be fair, it was when she thought she had a lot more money than he did," Cheryl explained.

"Yes Ron I remember now that we agreed to keep our assets separate just in case!" Mallory groaned. "And yes I remember I was the one who insisted on that clause stating neither one of us could touch our original assets in the event of a divorce! But I don't have any assets remaining now so…Oh very **mature** Ron!"

"In hindsight that was a stupid move," Pam nodded in agreement.

"Well what about my apartment?" Mallory snapped. "I mean I know it's in your name now but…WHAT? WHERE IN THE CLAUSE DOES IT SAY THAT? Okay fine! Keep the stupid apartment! I was getting tired of the neighborhood anyway!"

"And vice versa," Pam quipped.

"But I want my furs and jewelry delivered by bonded courier…" Mallory began.

Then a look of horror on her face appeared. "What do you mean the CIA took **half** of them already? Payment? For what? Oh right. Well what about the other half? Surely they can't take all…?"

Mallory did a double take. "What the hell is Hans doing there? What do you mean he's negotiating a deal with the CIA over my things? AND WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY HE'S GETTING YOU A GOOD DIVORCE ATTORNEY?"

"Who's Hans again?" Cheryl blinked.

"He was the German guy who had that statue Archer ruined," Pam explained. "Knew Ms. Archer for years but never slept with her because he could see clearly what an evil old bat she was. You told me all about it."

"Oh. I don't remember that," Cheryl blinked.

"I do and I wasn't even there at the party!" Pam told her. "I was wrecking some more statues with Ray and Krieger. Speaking of those two I wonder how they're doing?"

"Normally that would be a great cut away segment but I honestly want to listen to this," Cheryl pointed to Mallory pleading to Ron on the phone.

"Still think our lives are a television show huh?" Pam sighed.

"Ron…" Mallory pleaded. "Please! I know things haven't been great lately but…Yes! I get it! Understatement of the year! But still…But…But…You know what? Fine! I'm **done**! You're not dumping me! I'm dumping **you**!"

"Little late since he already dumped her," Pam rolled her eyes.

"I've had it Ron! Now that I think about it, maybe marrying you was a **mistake**?" Mallory shouted.

"It certainly was for Ron," Cheryl remarked.

Mallory went on. "I'm telling you this, I am looking forward to a place of my own free from cigar smoke, pizza stains and cracker noises! Let me tell you something, mister…Mallory Archer doesn't need a man in her life to make her happy!"

"Since **when**?" Cheryl quipped.

"I am a strong independent woman who can get anyone she wants!" Mallory went on.

"And people say I'm delusional," Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"You are," Pam told her. "But I have to admit Ms. Archer is pretty strong competition for you in that department."

Mallory growled into the phone. "Oh yeah? Fine! Whatever! Keep the damn apartment! But I want my clothes, furs and jewelry by the end of the week! Or as soon as I get a new mailing address! Whichever comes first! I'll let you know!"

She turned off the phone and threw it across the room. "BASTARD!"

"So, how's it going?" Cheryl said cheerfully.

"It's over," Mallory groaned as she slumped into a chair. "Ron wants a divorce. He's kicked me out of my apartment because it's still in his name. The agency is being shut down by the CIA as we speak. And I've been officially been declared persona non grata among New York high society. As well as parts of middle society apparently."

"So you're not having a good day," Cheryl said.

"You mean because in less than twenty-four hours I've lost my career as a spymaster, my agency, my reputation, my apartment, my husband and my place in New York Society's upper elite?" Mallory said sarcastically. "I've had **better!"**

"Okay…" Archer walked in wearing a mustard yellow short sleeved shirt, tan cargo pants and sneakers. Lupe was with him. "Lana's taking her shower. AJ's been fed and changed and is taking a nap. Krieger and Cyril are doing something to Ray to keep him alive. And the second shower is free if anyone wants it."

"Sure? Why **not**?" Mallory groaned. "Why not wash away the stench of failure?"

"Did you call Ron, Mother?" Archer asked. "How's he doing?"

"Pretty good actually," Pam quipped. "Much better than your mother."

"Ron totally kicked her to the curb," Cheryl smirked.

"What?" Archer was stunned.

"It's over," Mallory sighed. "Apparently the CIA went to what was my apartment to confiscate a few papers and items they had a nice little chat with Ron about a few of my…past indiscretions. Long story short, Ron's saw an out and he's taking it."

"Oh no…" Archer was stunned. "No, no…I don't believe it!"

"Believe it!" Mallory grumbled. "Till death do us part my ass! Till the CIA blabs more like it!"

"I can't believe it!" Archer was stunned.

"I know…" Mallory sighed. She looked like she was about to cry.

"I had next month in the pool!" Archer barked. "Seriously Mother! You couldn't hold out for one more month?"

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"I had three months from now," Pam pointed out. "At least you were close!"

"I had two months ago!" Cheryl said. "I was way off!"

"You all made a betting pool if my marriage would fail?" Mallory shouted.

"Not if! **When!** " Pam corrected. "And this is technically the second one. You and Ron ran out the clock on the first one. So we had Cyril draw up a second…"

"Yeah none of us thought you would last this long," Archer nodded. "So would it have killed you to wait another month before you screwed it up?"

"Sterling your concern for me in this trying time is touching beyond measure," Mallory said sarcastically as she glared at him.

"Senor Archer…" Lupe nudged.

"Oh right," Archer remembered. "Yeah I really hate to bother you Mother…"

"But that doesn't stop you from doing it anyway," Mallory interrupted. "What is it now?"

"Look Lupe needs a deposit," Archer said. "Well technically more like a half payment. I mean she did get us out of the desert and to a safe house. So…"

"So what are you getting at?" Mallory glared at her son.

"I told Lupe she could have your pearl necklace as payment," Archer said. "Which is really cheap if you think about it."

"WHAT?" Mallory shouted.

"Mother we don't have any money or credit cards!" Archer said. "Your pearls are the most valuable thing we have to barter with!"

"You want me to give up **my pearls**?" Mallory yelled. "Well why **not**? I've lost everything else today!"

"Oh don't be a drama queen!" Archer snapped. "You have like twenty pairs of the same kinds of pearl necklaces at home!"

"Fifteen! And not for long if Ron and the damn CIA has anything to say about it!" Mallory snapped as she took off the pearl necklace.

"Yeah you might end up owing him alimony!" Pam snorted.

"Oh my God he probably could get it!" Cheryl laughed.

"Here! Take them!" Mallory slapped them in Lupe's hands. "I hope they give you the same luck they gave me! Which was none!"

" _Yeah it was the pearls that ruined_ _ **your life**_ _,"_ Lupe grumbled as she took the pearls.

"Well now this is officially the second worst day of my life!" Mallory threw up her hands.

"Oh my God!" Archer snapped. "No it's **not!** You were still rich when your damn dog died!"

Mallory glared at him. "I was referring to something else. But **thank you** Sterling for helping me relive the top ten list of the worst days of my life!"

She pointed at Pam and Cheryl. "Now here's Casey Kasem at Number Four with a bullet! The day I met **these two idiots**! And if I had a bullet **I'd use it**!"

"Wow you are really determined to look at the negative side of things aren't you?" Cheryl remarked.

Mallory gave Cheryl a look. "Forget the damn bullet…I DON'T NEED IT!" She lunged at Cheryl and tried to strangle her.

"MOTHER NO! SENORA! MS. ARCHER!" Pam and Lupe helped Archer separate them.

"EEEH!" Cheryl giggled. "Best day ever!"

"Because Ms. Archer is having the **worst day ever**?" Pam asked.

"Duh!" Cheryl giggled. "Oh I think I have a bruise on my neck! Cool!"

"Why do I even bother?" Mallory groaned as she fell backwards into her chair.

"Your words," Pam said.

"God I'd never thought I'd say this," Mallory moaned. "But I envy Ray Gillette…If only I could die with him!"

"Yeah he's paralyzed and dying and he's still having a better day than you," Cheryl spoke up.

"That's what I meant you…" Mallory let out a scream of frustration.

"Mother stop being such a drama queen!" Archer let out a breath of exasperation. "Quite frankly your attitude is not helping!"

"Sterling I don't think you have fully grasped the situation!" Mallory snapped. "Again! We are not spies anymore! Meaning we can't get work in espionage! Meaning our agency has been shut down!"

"I get that," Archer scoffed. "Geeze Mother you've only been saying that all day!"

"Well get **this** through your tiny brain!" Mallory snapped. "As we speak the CIA is confiscating our office! And everything connected with it!"

"So we lose the laundromat," Archer shrugged. "We haven't used that in over a year."

"That's not all we're losing!" Mallory snapped. "Sterling that agency paid for a lot of things. Including **your apartment** , **your suits** and **your car!"**

"What?" Archer did a double take. "What do you mean?"

" _What do you mean_ what do I mean?" Mallory snapped. "I just didn't lose my apartment and my things! Yours are gone too! They're being repossessed by the CIA as we speak!"

"Wait, the CIA is taking **my suits**?" Archer shouted. "And **my car**?"

"And **everything else** the agency paid for!" Mallory snapped. "Your furniture, your bar, your booze…"

"AAAAHH!" Archer gasped.

"Yeah **that's** got you worried!" Mallory snapped.

"What about our stuff?" Pam asked.

"Who'd want **your stuff**?" Mallory snapped. "It's just mine and Sterling's that are connected to the agency!"

"Oh right because you paid for pretty much everything he has. Well then that's okay then," Pam shrugged.

"I'm going to pretend you don't exist for now," Mallory glared at Pam. "Because right now we have bigger problems!"

Mallory whirled on Sterling. "Sterling, we are out of an agency. Out of a lucrative career that paid a lot of money…Which we are **also** out of. We are homeless as well as stranded in a desert and even if we were able to go back to New York there's literally nothing for us there because we have been banned from every decent place in town!"

"What do you mean by every decent place?" Archer barked. "Not everywhere! Just a few bars…"

"Over a hundred and forty-five bars," Mallory corrected. "The ones that haven't been burned down!"

"And maybe a few department stores and clubs…" Archer waved.

"Almost all of them," Mallory glared at him.

"And yeah the New York Public Library and the New York Subway system," Archer added.

"How do you get banned from the New York Subway system?" Mallory shouted.

"Well for one thing apparently lemurs with drugs in their system aren't allowed," Archer began.

"And you can't masturbate on the subway as I found out," Pam added.

"Or set homeless people on fire apparently…" Cheryl went on.

"I withdraw the question," Mallory groaned.

"I guess we did get kicked out of a lot of hotels and fancy restaurants," Archer admitted. "Not that we could go to that many anyway with all the mobs that want us dead own half of them and are still pretty pissed at us."

"Uh huh," Mallory folded her arms.

"Yeah like Irish Mob, the Yakuza," Archer counted. "The regular mob, the Portuguese Mob, the Russian Mob, the Ukrainian Mob which is an offshoot of the Russian Mob. That transvestite biker gang…Wait a minute…"

"It's finally dawned on you hasn't it?" Mallory snapped.

"Wow we really did burn a lot of bridges in New York. That's not good," Archer blinked.

"YOU THINK?" Mallory wailed. "God it's like talking to a goldfish about finances!"

She glared at her son. "So Sterling what is this **wonderful plan** you have because God help us all we are going to **need it!"**

"They're taking my car too?" Archer was stunned. "They can't take my car!"

"Sterling damn it focus!" Mallory shouted.

"They can't take my stuff!" Archer barked. "It's my stuff! I worked hard for that!"

"No you didn't!" Pam snapped. "Your mommy gave it to you using our agency's funds. Is that legal?"

"I'm not sure but I'm pretty sure the answer is no," Cheryl shrugged.

"I gotta talk to Cyril," Archer took off. "Cyril! Cyril! Can the CIA take my stuff? Cyril!"

"So our only hope lies with Sterling and his plan?" Mallory moaned. "God we're screwed!"

 **Is Mallory's marriage really over? She still had her wedding ring in the season premiere! Find out in future chapters!**


	4. Things To Do When You're Disavowed

**Things To Do When You're Disavowed**

The following morning at breakfast. The gang was sitting around a large breakfast table filled to the brim with a lot of food. Well most of them.

"Krieger's still at it?" Lana was stunned. She was wearing a red shirt top and a pair of jeans and feeding AJ through a bottle.

"Yeah it's kind of touch and go in there," Cyril sighed. He was still wearing the outfit he wore yesterday and it was covered in blood. "Which reminds me I need to take him some coffee and an egg sandwich."

"I guess he could use the energy," Archer remarked. He was wearing the same outfit he wore yesterday.

Back in surgery (AKA The Garage of Doom!)

"LIVE DAMN YOU! LIVE!" Krieger screamed as tears ran from his eyes. He was using some kind of wires and electricity could be seen lighting up the entire room.

Back in the kitchen the lights started to dim in and out for a minute…

"That has got to be Krieger's doing," Archer noticed.

" _If he blows out my electricity I'm charging you extra,"_ Lupe warned. " _And as for you old woman I'm counting the silverware!"_

"Who are **you** calling old, you Mexican relic?" Mallory snapped. "And how dare you insinuate I'd steal **your** things! Its…"

"Accurate?" Pam spoke up between mouthfuls. She was wearing a yellow dress and sitting next to Mallory.

"Yeah especially since Ron kicked you to the curb," Cheryl snickered. Her hair was down in a ponytail and wearing a blue sundress.

"I really thought I would have had more money than him by now," Mallory admitted. "Thanks to that damn pre nup I don't get a dime from his stupid dealerships!"

"The irony is that you signed that damn thing so that Ron wouldn't have a stake in your spy agency," Pam pointed out. "Which is pretty ironic. You know because he still has what…Eight dealerships by now? And your spy agency is gone. I mean gone, gone…"

"Yes Pam," Mallory gritted her teeth. "I am well aware of the irony."

Pam went on laughing. "I mean…Think about it. You made him sign the pre nup saying what you brought into the marriage stays yours. And what Ron brought into the marriage stays his. And he ends up with everything and you ended up with **squat**! See how funny it is?"

"Hilarious," Mallory's eye twitched.

"It is because you are like the most money hungry person I know," Pam told her. "You are always looking for a quick payout. And here you had a great sugar daddy but you ended up getting nothing from him. Absolutely **nothing**! You're dead broke! Ron is super rich and you are flat busted on your broke ass!"

"Grrrr…" Mallory's eye twitched even more.

"It's funny because you think you're this high class rich bitch and Ron's just a sap of a slob who you thought you could take for everything he had," Pam went on. "But he ends up taking **you** to the cleaners! That's funny!"

Mallory's eye stopped twitching. The look on her face became one of absolute calm. She then began to unbuckle her belt around her waist.

Pam kept going, not noticing what Mallory was doing. "You even lost your apartment because you had the **bright idea** to put it in Ron's name so not only couldn't the CIA not touch it, you didn't have to pay taxes. And this is like the second or third time Ron's kicked you out right? I mean how did you not see this coming? I would have thought the first time he kicked you out and we got our spy agency back you would have been smart enough to get the apartment back in your own name. But nooooope! You didn't. Now you have **nothing** and he has…"

By now Mallory had completely taken off the belt. After a brief pull to test its strength she then leapt up and started to choke Pam with it. "DIE YOU FAT MOUTHED SLOB! DIE!" Mallory screamed as she strangled Pam.

"URK! AKKK…" Pam choked.

Everyone quickly dove in to separate them. Well everyone except for Cheryl who was jumping up and down in her seat clapping with glee.

"Me next! Me next!" Cheryl cheered. "Do me! Do me!"

"GLADLY!" Mallory tried to strangle Cheryl but was held back by Archer and the others.

"Jesus Christ Mother!" Archer shoved her back into her seat and removed the belt from her hands. "Is this going to be a **thing** now? What? I have to stop you from killing someone _every day_?"

"Only until those two and the rest of you are **dead**!" Mallory shouted. "YOU RUINED MY LIFE!"

This prompted groans from everyone else. "You are really not going to let this go are you?" Cyril snapped.

"It's like the bitch has a one track mind," Pam rubbed her neck. "A broke ass track…"

Mallory screamed and leapt again to attack Pam. But this time Pam was ready for her. "You want some of this?" Pam shouted as she shoved Mallory backwards. "You really want some of this?"

"I want you idiots to act like **adults** for once!" Lana shouted over her baby's crying. "That includes **you** Mallory!"

"We have at least all day today to wait for our ride," Archer said. "So we need to relax a little and figure out what we're going to do all day."

"I could use a shower and a damn nap that's what I need," Cyril moaned. "I am so freaking tired."

"Pam and I are going to go walk around the town and take pictures of burned buildings!" Cheryl said cheerfully. "I'm so excited!"

"This is like Disneyland for her," Pam explained.

"I gathered that yeah," Archer nodded. "Cyril since you smell worse than King Kong's girlfriend's tampon you take a shower and I'll go give Krieger his coffee and stuff. Besides I've never seen cyborg surgery before. It should be interesting."

"You're not going to sabotage that are you?" Lana glared.

"God Lana no!" Archer groaned. "Honestly I'm more worried about Krieger doing that."

Back in surgery…

"Well **that** shouldn't happen," Krieger blinked as Ray's non robotic hand poked up and waved from the table. "If it was the robot hand I could see it…"

Then Ray's other hand popped up. "That makes more sense…" Krieger nodded.

Back at the table…

"So maybe Krieger does need my help?" Archer got up. "And some coffee…" He grabbed a pot and a mug and left the room.

"Well I'm going to make more calls and try and salvage what's left of my life together," Mallory grumbled as she poured some scotch into her coffee.

"Aw come on Ms. Archer," Pam scoffed. "Who are you kidding? We all know that's not going to happen! Come take a tour of the town with us!"

"I am not going sightseeing among a row of burned out husks that were once someone's homes," Mallory gave her a look. "I've seen that for years all over the world. Most recently the weekend Ron and I went to the Jersey Shore and discovered the roof of his beach house was on someone else's lawn."

"That would put a damper on a romantic weekend," Pam admitted.

"It was like taking a vacation in a war zone but with better shopping," Mallory sighed as she took a drink.

"Wait how are you going to take pictures if you don't have your phone?" Lana asked.

"Lupe lent us a digital camera," Pam explained. "She says she needs more photos anyway for insurance stuff."

" _I run a few side businesses to keep things going,"_ Lupe explained. _"Speaking of which I need help Lana with one of them. You see I make brownies for cancer patients that live two towns over and…"_

"And you want me to help bake them?" Lana asked with a sigh.

" _Honestly I don't trust these three to help me_ ," Lupe pointed the other women. _"Any of them look like they would eat the product. Burn the product or God knows what else they'd do with it."_

"That's actually a very accurate description of what would happen," Lana admitted.

" _It's not like I just looked at you and said, 'All right! The giant black woman is the best baker out of the lot',"_ Lupe went on. _"There was a process of elimination but…"_

"Yeah I get there was a thought process behind that," Lana added. "And it was an extremely short one."

" _Just letting you know there was some consideration,"_ Lupe shrugged.

"And it was a very quick one," Lana said. "Not the first time this has happened."

" _So you'll help me?"_ Lupe asked.

"Why not?" Lana sighed as she got up and took AJ with her.

" _Don't worry,"_ Lupe smiled. _"This will be fun. I always wanted my daughters and granddaughters to cook with me. They don't like to cook. They think baking illegal brownies is too traditional and not feminist enough. Ai, like being prostitutes or assassins is that much better!"_

"I've only been out of the spy game for a day and I'm already back in the drug business," Lana groaned as she went to the kitchen. "This is going to be the cocaine cartel all over again. I just know it."

"Well we'd better get going!" Pam grinned. "Those burned out buildings aren't going to be gawked at by themselves!"

"Maybe we can set some more fires?" Cheryl giggled.

"God I have to call Ron and beg him to take me back…" Mallory moaned as she went to the phone again.


	5. We Have A Plan?

**We Have A Plan? **

Later that evening…

"So how's the surgery going?" Lana asked as Archer staggered into the living room with a look of shock on his face.

"It's uh…It's going…" Archer gulped. He staggered to a bar in the room and poured himself a drink.

"That crazy huh?" Lana sighed.

"Not gonna lie Lana," Archer admitted. "I threw up a little bit. Okay a lot."

"Well it is Krieger so odds are…" Lana shrugged. "AJ's down for the night by the way. Or at least a few hours. Archer? Are you okay?"

"I saw things in there I thought I could handle," Archer gulped down the drink. "I couldn't. God I couldn't. What kind of agent am I if I can't handle a simple cyborg surgery?"

"I spent my afternoon making marijuana brownies with Lupe while my daughter watched," Lana gave Archer a look. "You really want to compare feelings of inadequacy with me right now?"

"On the plus side you learned how to make brownies from scratch," Archer pointed out. "I mean with or without marijuana that's still a skill."

"It's an old family recipe of Lupe's," Lana sighed. "She has a very interesting family by the way."

"I know," Archer nodded. "Apparently she has a niece that's the Mexican version of Kim Kardashian."

"Archer whatever we do next I am telling you now," Lana gave him a look. "I am **not** getting back in the drug business again!"

"Kind of a moot point. You know?" Archer pointed out. "The brownies?"

"That was a one-time thing!" Lana protested. "Besides pot or not it really is a good brownie recipe. I think it's the cinnamon that does it."

"Cinnamon in brownies? Fancy," Archer was impressed.

"I HATE YOU ALL!" Mallory shouted from another room. "YOU IDIOTS RUINED MY LIFE!"

"SO WHAT?" Cheryl was heard screaming. "IT WASN'T MUCH OF A LIFE TO BEGIN WITH IN THE FIRST PLACE!"

"Oh God **what now**?" Lana groaned when they went to look at the commotion.

Cyril and Pam were holding Mallory back from choking Cheryl in the dining room. "Oh for crying out loud!" Lana barked as she and Archer pulled them apart.

"Again, do I have to stop you from killing someone **every freaking day**?" Archer barked at his mother.

"Only until you all die…" Mallory growled as she sat in a chair.

"Good news everyone!" Krieger walked in with a blood stained outfit. "Ray is alive and he should not be paralyzed anymore!"

"Oh that's wonderful!" Lana gasped.

"Great so much for crossing **that idiot** off my list," Mallory moaned. "Figures!"

"Yes as long as he wakes up from his coma he should be fine," Krieger nodded. "Oh that's the bad news."

"Well how long is he gonna take a nap?" Cheryl groaned as everyone else sat at the table. "We're gonna need his help to move stuff. I think. What are we doing again?"

"Besides ruining my will to live?" Mallory barked.

Cyril snapped. "We need to think about what we are going to do with our lives now before we kill each other!"

"And that is what this meeting is for Cyril," Archer gave him a look.

"What does it matter?" Mallory groaned. "You lot are just going to screw this up like everything else we've done."

"Way to go for the vote of confidence Mother," Archer gave her a look. "As you all know I was the world's greatest spy."

"Not really," Pam told him.

"No, you weren't!" Cyril snapped.

"Yeah right!" Cheryl laughed.

"That statement is highly debatable," Krieger added.

"Sterling even I can't support your self-delusions anymore," Mallory glared at her son. "Both figuratively and literally!"

"Yeah looking back on it now," Lana admitted. "We weren't exactly the most organized spy agency out there."

"You **think?** " Mallory snapped.

"We spent most of our time drinking and screwing around than going on actual missions," Cyril grumbled. "Authorized ones anyway."

"The unauthorized ones didn't go that well either for the most part," Pam admitted.

"Well let's review our options," Lana sighed. "Our careers as spies are over so this can't be a spy agency anymore. And we are **not** going back to running a drug cartel!"

"Obviously," Cyril groaned. "Because we completely sucked at it."

"And to be honest we weren't that good as arms dealers either," Krieger sighed.

"And the country music business was a total wash, thank you very much Cheryl!" Mallory groaned.

"Wasn't her fault Calderon paid with a bounced check," Pam pointed out.

"Who?" Cheryl blinked.

"No, but she is the one that burned down not one but two buildings causing her record label to dump her!" Mallory snapped. "So the music business is not an option!"

Lana sighed. "Not to mention bounty hunting. Which was always a total disaster."

"We could be astronauts again," Cyril suggested.

"After the mess we made on the International Space Station?" Mallory scoffed. "They wouldn't touch us with a ten-foot pole! I know because I was told that."

"Geeze you destroy one lousy billion-dollar space shuttle and nobody ever lets you hear the end of it," Archer groaned. "But no, now that I think about it being an astronaut again won't work."

"Honestly I'm kind of relieved," Lana sighed.

"Well that takes care of my second plan," Archer frowned. "But don't worry I have two more!"

"Oh you have more than **one plan**?" Mallory mocked. "That really puts my mind at ease!"

"What's your other plans, Archer?" Lana sighed.

"One is a really boring one that is probably too safe but will make us a lot of money," Archer said. "The other is a fun one that has some risk but will also make us a lot of money."

"And the boring plan is?" Cyril asked.

"Figures you'd ask **that** Cyril," Archer smirked. "But honestly this might be up your alley."

"Phrasing!" Pam called out. "Wait that's taken out of context. So…"

"What's the plan?" Cyril asked exasperated.

"We open up a bank!" Archer grinned.

"You want to open a bank to make money," Cyril gave him a look. "But you do realize that you do need money to open a bank in the first place?"

"I realize there's a catch 22 in there," Archer waved.

"Oh so you do see the problem?" Cyril asked sarcastically.

"Yes but I was thinking that plan could be more long term," Archer said. "As an investment when we do make a lot of money."

"But not so much good now when we have no money," Cyril pointed out.

"That's why I have a third plan!" Archer spoke up. "To make the money we need to open a bank!"

"Oh this should be good!" Mallory groaned. "What is this plan of yours? I ask knowing it will be completely idiotic."

"Three words! Private detective agency!" Archer spoke up.

"And I was right," Mallory sighed.

"We could start small. You know? Divorces and stuff…" Archer began.

"Not an option," Pam said. "At least in New York."

"Why not?" Archer asked.

"Oh come on Archer!" Pam snapped. "Between you, your mother, Cheryl, Ray and me we probably started half the divorces in that town! Granted mostly Archer and Ms. Archer…"

"Well she's not wrong," Mallory admitted. "Besides being a detective is out of the question! Ugh! Grubby little shysters sneaking around…"

"I hate to say it Mallory but a detective agency isn't exactly the worst idea in the world," Lana said.

"Yeah if you think about it being a private detective is pretty much like being a spy," Archer pointed out. "Only you deal more with angry husbands and mobsters rather than cyborgs and the KGB."

"You just think it's going to be like Magnum PI," Pam groaned.

"Why wouldn't it?" Archer asked.

"Ignoring Archer's television obsessed fantasy from his alcohol soaked brain…" Lana rolled her eyes. "He does have a point about detective work. It's not that much different than what we already do. Surveillance, undercover work, research, protection…"

"Which we completely sucked at," Cyril pointed out. "I mean…That's why we lost our jobs as spies in the first place!"

"We lost our jobs because the CIA set us up to fail!" Archer snapped.

"I dunno," Cheryl said. "They seemed real upset that scientist guy died. And all those other people died."

"That was an act!" Archer snapped. "They wanted him to die for some reason…"

"If they **wanted** Kovacs to die why would they go all that trouble to kill him?" Cyril asked. "Wouldn't it have been easier to simply do regular brain surgery and kill him like **that?** Not to mention a lot more plausible. One wrong slip of the knife…Oops! Guess that tumor was bigger than we thought. Our bad! Let's have lunch."

"Yeah I mean having us kill him by shrinking us down to micro size and then having the ship explode his head like a watermelon does kind of seem like overkill…" Cheryl nodded.

"That is a good point," Mallory admitted triumphantly.

"If he was so freaking important then why did they send **us** in when we've pretty much screwed up almost every mission?" Pam snapped. "Why not send a quote-unquote more _competent team_ to save his life?"

"That's also a good point," Lana gave Mallory a look.

"Obviously they wanted to try out the shrink ray because it's never been done before!" Archer barked. "They were using us as guinea pigs because they thought we were expendable!"

"Then why didn't they just use **real** guinea pigs on a test run before the shrink ray mission?" Cheryl asked.

"Probably because they have a better union than we do," Pam shrugged.

"Plus I'm pretty sure they didn't think we'd screw up the mission that badly," Archer shrugged.

"I don't think **anyone** thought you idiots would have screwed up the mission **that** badly," Mallory groaned. "Including me who has seen you idiots screw up missions time and time again. But even I didn't expect **this level of complete and total incompetence!"**

"Yeah we did kind of raise the bar with this one," Pam admitted.

"You didn't raise the bar!" Mallory shouted. "You **lowered** the bar! Into the ground! You lowered the bar so far into the ground I bet it melted from the heat of the Earth's core!"

"Oh like this was all _our fault,"_ Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"That's **exactly** what I'm saying you…!" Mallory fumed.

"Mallory let's face reality," Lana spoke up. "We're not exactly trained to do much else. Being a detective…"

"Is out of the question!" Mallory shouted.

"It's not that much different than being a spy," Lana protested.

"Being a spy is completely different than being a private dick!" Mallory shouted.

"How?" Lana asked. "Is it some kind of higher status symbol or something?"

"You said it," Mallory shrugged.

"You have got to be…" Lana groaned.

"A spy is a highly trained, completely professional agent!" Mallory went on. "While a detective is basically anyone with a camera and a penchant for tolerating the smell of his own urine in a can while he lounges about in a car on a stakeout!"

"Well we're not spies anymore!" Lana barked. "And being a detective is the closest job we can get with our set of skills!"

"Or lack thereof," Pam grumbled. "Hey don't look at me! We were all thinking it!"

"And where exactly are we going to set up this private detective agency?" Mallory snapped. "Our building has been confiscated! Not that it matters. We've practically been banned from New York!"

"I'm glad you asked," Archer grinned. "Think palm trees. Swimming pools. Movie stars…"

"Are you **serious?** " Cyril did a double take.

"You want to move to **Los Angeles**?" Lana was stunned.

"Why not?" Archer asked. "It's perfect for us! Warm weather! Rich clients! Besides LA is a lot closer than New York right now! Why not make a fresh start?"

"A fresh start? In **California**?" Mallory snapped. "The earthquake fire ridden lunatic capital of the world?"

"You lived in New York," Cyril pointed out. "There were a lot of lunatics there. Lot of lunatics here in this room actually."

"Yes but not spread out all over the entire state!" Mallory shouted.

"I hate to agree with Archer but…" Lana sighed. "It's not like we have much of a choice. And we really could all use a fresh start."

"And where exactly are we going to live in LA?" Mallory snapped. "New York real estate is a bargain compared that smog infested hellhole!"

"I've thought of that too," Archer told her. "Carol remember that conversation we had a while back?"

"Uhhhh…." Cheryl looked at him with a blank look in her eyes.

"Right. Forgot who I was talking to for a minute," Archer sighed. "To refresh your memory a while ago…"

FLASHBACK TO SOME TIME IN THE PAST…

"Yeah I bought some real estate in LA a while back on the advice of the old gypsy woman," Cheryl was telling Archer and Pam in the break room. "I have a pretty cool apartment complex downtown. The gypsy woman said we might need that in the future as a place to live so until we get our own places."

"Wait you bought a building in Los Angeles for us all to live in together in case we move to LA?" Pam asked.

"And another building we can use as an agency," Cheryl grinned.

"So you're telling me you bought **two buildings** all the way across the country that are just sitting vacant as a backup in case our lives in New York crash and burn on the sayings of an old gypsy woman?" Archer was stunned.

"Well duh!" Cheryl rolled her eyes.

"That's crazy even for you Carol," Archer groaned. "I mean our lives here are almost perfect. They're not going to get so screwed up that we're going to have to move all the way across the country!"

"Speaking of screwed up your mom's birthday is tomorrow," Pam pointed out. "So don't forget to give that old bat flowers this year."

"Don't worry!" Archer waved as he got up. "Already got the order in. Trust me as long as Mother gets her flowers tomorrow will be perfect!"

FLASHFORWARD TO THE PRESENT…

"And as we all remember **that** was the day the CIA fake busted us getting us into the cocaine cartel debacle," Archer added. "Which led to the San Marcos/nerve gas/invasion debacle which led to the CIA…"

Archer stopped. "Carol I owe you an apology. In hindsight listening to the old gypsy woman was a pretty smart idea."

"Does she give stock tips?" Krieger asked.

"So Cheryl has another building we can move into and us that as a private detective agency as well as a place to live," Cyril thought. "That is a good idea."

"Oh goody. We get to live together again," Mallory rolled her eyes. "Great! Just what I needed! More cocaine fueled raves whenever the phone rings!"

"Not like we haven't done it before," Pam pointed out.

"And considering most of our stuff is either confiscated or well…not worth going back," Cyril sighed. "It makes sense to go straight to LA instead of going back to New York and then to LA."

"Guys this will be great! I've watched all the great detective shows!" Archer told them. "Magnum PI, obviously. The Rockford Files."

"Sterling I don't want to hear a list of every private eye TV show ever made!" Mallory interrupted. "If I did we'd be here all night!"

"Not to mention that watching TV shows about private detectives isn't exactly the best way to learn about how to be an actual detective," Cyril added.

"I know there's more than that Cyril! I've even watched every episode of Entourage," Archer said smugly. "So I know about the business in Hollywood!"

"What the hell is Entourage?" Mallory asked.

"It's basically Sex and the City for dudes," Pam explained.

"It is not!" Archer barked.

"Please!" Pam snorted. "All they did was substitute LA for New York and fast cars for fancy shoes!"

"Vince is definitely a Carrie," Cheryl agreed.

"And tell me with a straight face that Johnny Drama isn't a Samantha with a dick," Pam added.

"He so totally is," Cheryl nodded.

"If you are all finished saying words at random," Mallory groaned. "This is a stupid idea Sterling."

"Is it any stupider than tricking us into selling cocaine for the CIA?" Archer barked. "Which they were using for a guns for arms program for San Marcos which was just so they could increase their budget!"

"Or stupider than shrinking us all down with an untested shrink ray and injecting us into a scientist's body?" Lana added.

"Or stupider than having Cheryl become a country music star?" Pam added. "By injecting her with a microchip to get over her stage fright which turned out to be a sticker!"

"Yeah or…?" Cheryl did a double take. "What did you say?"

"Or how about all those fake bomb threats you made?" Cyril asked. "Those were pretty stupid."

"The time you tried to ransom a non-existent hydrogen bomb to the US government," Lana added.

"Can we back up to the microchip that's a sticker thing?" Cheryl asked, clearly confused.

"How about the time you sold out your own agents so you could help an infamous coyote smuggle people across the border and get paid for it?" Archer added.

"Speaking of selling us out how about the time you tried to sell our agency to ODIN?" Krieger added.

"Don't forget all your little deals with your friends in not so high places as well as high places," Pam added.

Cyril scratched his head. "Gee, if you think about it, Archer's plan of starting a detective agency is kind of rational compared to what you've done Ms. Archer."

"It actually sounds sane compared to a lot of things we've all done," Lana admitted.

"Not to mention legal," Cyril added. "Oh dear God, Archer came up with a rational legal idea!"

"What does this have to do with the microchip sticker?" Cheryl asked.

"Don't worry about it Cheryl," Pam sighed. "That storyline is long past."

"Oh so it was last season?" Cheryl asked.

"Technically two seasons ago but yeah," Pam told her.

"Then I have no problems," Cheryl nodded.

"Except for the fact you're a brain dead billionaire bimbo who thinks our lives are a TV show," Mallory groaned. "Which this stupid plan is starting to sound like! It sounds like a plot of a stupid TV show."

"It could be the plot of a cartoon," Cheryl spoke up.

"So it's settled," Archer waved. "We're going into the private eye business!"

"Yayy!" Pam clapped her hands. "A new life and a new start in a new city!"

"I don't know," Krieger frowned. "This all sounds very familiar to me for some reason."

"It's like San Marcos without the passports," Lana admitted. "Which reminds me, we really need to get our driver's licenses and ID's replaced at some point."

"Already done," Krieger motioned to Lupe holding several ID's.

"Wow you just move like a ninja don't you?" Mallory grumbled to Lupe.

" _I was quiet enough to slit the throat of the cartel kingpin who threatened my daughter's life while he slept,"_ Lupe hissed. _"Don't think I won't do the same to you if you cross me!"_

"Yeah, yeah you and every other person I've met," Mallory rolled her eyes.

"Gracias Lupe," Krieger said as he took them.

"You'll get your money when the car picks us up," Archer promised as Krieger distributed them. "And hopefully a bonus when our detective agency gets off the ground. Hey! You're our agency's first contact! See guys? We're on our way already!"

"So now we're a spy/drug cartel/country music producers/arms dealers/detective agency," Lana quipped.

"You forgot astronauts," Archer told her. "I know we only did that for less than a week but still counts."

"And we did take over the country of San Marcos for three weeks so…" Pam added. "What invaders?"

"More like corporate raiders without the corporate part," Cyril shrugged.

"So…Raiders?" Pam raised an eyebrow.

"Technically, yes," Cyril admitted.

"And I suspect you all expect for me to invest what's left of my hard earned money into this doomed to failure venture?" Mallory snapped.

"Either that or let Cheryl pay for all of it," Pam pointed. "You really want her to be **your** **boss**?"

"God no," Mallory groaned. "I see your point. Still a detective agency…"

"Mother people change careers all the time," Archer rolled his eyes. "Technically I think we've done it at least three or four times by now."

"So it's settled," Lana said. "We'll all head out to LA and start our new lives. Shit! I have to find a new pediatrician for AJ! And find some new day care to take her! Ugh! That's going to be a nightmare!"

"What happened to that Polish nanny you had?" Mallory asked.

"She literally quit a day before this whole mess started," Lana explained. "Got a part time job at Starbucks that not only paid better and had more flexible hours, it gives her health insurance and stock options."

"All that for **pouring coffee**?" Archer was stunned.

"Plus free coffee," Lana added.

"Okay so if the private eye thing doesn't work we open a coffee house next," Archer told the others.

"It's good to have a fall back plan," Pam agreed.

"Do we have a fall back plan for the fall back plan?" Mallory groaned.

The next morning…

"HEY GUYS! OUR RIDE'S HERE!" Cheryl was heard screaming through the house.

"Finally…" Mallory grumbled as the gang prepared to leave. "We can leave this burned out husk of a town and rebuild our burned out husk of our lives!"

 _"The feeling is mutual! I've had murderers at my house that had better manners!"_ Lupe snapped.

"Well technically…" Archer chuckled. Mallory glared at her son.

"Cheryl don't forget the money!" Lana called out. "And where's Ray?"

"Right here," Krieger wheeled out an unconscious Ray on a moving bed. "I bathed him and dressed him this morning."

"Ray's probably pissed he missed that," Pam snorted. Everyone looked at her. "Well I know I'd be!"

"Cheryl just get the money, pay Lupe so we can all leave this hell hole with what little dignity we have left!" Mallory groaned.

"About that…" Cyril pointed out the door.

A huge purple and black bus with strobe lights going off was seen at the gate. "This is a nightmare isn't it?" Mallory groaned.

"No silly," Cheryl snorted. "That's a party bus!"

"A party bus?" Lana groaned. "We're going to LA in a **party bus?"**

"Does it have a bar?" Archer asked.

"Does it have a stripper pole?" Pam asked.

"Duh! To both!" Cheryl told them as a huge tan man in a black suit walked up. "Manuel give the cash to Lupe over there."

"Hey watch it!" Cyril admonished.

"Inappropes!" Pam snapped.

"What?" Cheryl asked.

"You just can't call every tan guy you see Manuel!" Archer barked. "He may not be Mexican!"

"Actually my name really is Manuel," The bus driver told them. "I've been driving Tunts around for years. And yes I am Mexican. Well Mexican American. My parents were legal immigrants so…"

"Oh…" Archer blinked.

"It's okay. I know the Tunts and you are not the first people to make that mistake," Manuel admitted as he took out a wad of cash to pay off Lupe. "And you probably won't be the last."

"Quick question," Krieger spoke up. "Does your party bus have a portable IV unit and medical equipment?"

"I just said I've been driving Tunts around for **years** ," Manuel gave him a look. "That stuff's standard issue. As well as a lot of drugs."

"I have got to call Ron again and **beg** him to take me back…" Mallory moaned.


	6. Next Stop The City Of Angels

**Here it is! The final chapter of this fun fic! Get ready for fun, friendship fluff and a lot of swearing!**

 **Next Stop The City of Angels!**

The first thing Ray was aware of was the sound of dance music. Then sounds of people laughing and having a good time. He could have sworn he smelled alcohol. Then lights. Bright shiny colorful lights.

"Am I in heaven…?" Ray whispered as he opened his eyes to bright colorful strobe lights.

"If you are I'm in Hell…" Mallory moaned.

Ray blinked and focused his eyes. He seemed to be in a strange black room with purple glowing on the walls and tinted windows. There was a stripper pole in the middle with Krieger's holographic girlfriend whirling around on it. Archer was drinking something from some kind of bar. There were seats all around them. Cheryl and Pam looked like they were eating snacks. Lana was sitting next to him and AJ was in a car seat happily giggling at all the music and lights.

"And you are officially out of your coma!" Krieger cheered. Ray looked over and saw that Krieger was wearing only his lab coats and jeans. "I am the most kick ass doctor that ever lived."

"No, you're not," Cyril was heard behind him.

"Ray! You're awake!" Lana shouted with joy.

"Welcome back buddy!" Archer raised his glass. "Okay who had six days in the betting pool?"

"I had a week and that was the lowest in the pool," Cyril walked into view. "So I win!"

"Damn it!" Archer snapped. "I had a month."

"I had never…" Mallory growled as she glared at Ray. "You just couldn't do the decent thing for once and **die** could you?"

"Where am I?" Ray blinked as he looked around. He was strapped down in a hospital bed of some kind with an IV unit stuck in his non bionic arm. "What happened?"

"Okay here's the 411," Pam told him. "That scientist guy died and the mission got blown to hell big time. Hawley got super pissed when Krieger trashed that scientist guy's shrinky dink machine into scrap metal. We've all been blackballed from being spies. We got rescued from the desert by Lupe who's a friend of Archer's. Ms. Archer was dumped by Ron and kicked out of high society. And we're all moving to LA to be private detectives!"

"And we're on a kick ass party bus in Reno!" Krieger added. "Oh and I fixed your bionics and saved your life. You're welcome!"

"Thank you Krieger…" Ray sighed.

"See? Was **that** so hard to say?" Krieger asked. "By the way we're in the handicapped parking space so we kind of need you to pretend to be paralyzed. Even though you're not anymore."

Everyone looked at Krieger. "What? It's not like he hasn't done it before!" Krieger said.

"I park in handicapped spaces all the time and I don't even try to pretend I'm paralyzed," Archer shrugged.

"Eh who hasn't done that from time to time?" Pam shrugged.

"I came back from the dead for **this**?" Ray groaned.

"Let me make something clear!" Mallory called out. "I haven't been dumped by Ron! I called him and we are now back together!"

"Wait I thought…" Cheryl began.

"Since when do **you** think?" Mallory snapped. "While we stopped in that last town I called Ron again and we talked. Really talked. So we decided to give our marriage one more chance."

"Well that's great," Lana blinked. "So is Ron coming out to LA or…?"

"Eventually," Mallory said. "He has to set up the business so it could run without him. And soon in a few weeks he'll join me out here. Or a few months depending on how long it goes. Maybe a year?"

"I thought everything was on auto-pilot," Archer frowned. "I mean technically all he has to do is pack a bag and lock the front door to the apartment…"

"No, he was mistaken," Mallory said sharply. "There's so much work Ron has to do."

"Not really," Archer said. "I mean Ron could even grab the Red Eye and meet us out there in LA…"

"No, he can't because he's **very busy!** " Mallory barked. "He will be in LA sometime this year. Definitely."

"Well then where's your wedding ring?" Pam asked.

"Right here on my hand you blithering idiot!" Mallory waved. "See? I still have a ring on which means I'm still married! Happy?"

"Uhh…." Archer began.

"We did get back together! I swear! I traded in what little self-esteem I had left but he changed his mind and he's not leaving me!" Mallory snapped. "So there!"

"O-kay…" Lana blinked. "Uh guys could I talk to Ray alone for a minute?"

"So we had a fight? It happens in a marriage!" Mallory went on. "The important thing is that I promised to change and things are going to change and our marriage is going to be stronger than ever."

"Yeah okay fine…" Lana sighed. "I'd like to talk to…"

"I mean who are all of you to **judge me?"** Mallory snapped. "None of you have ever been married! I mean the closest thing any of you have ever been to marriage was some words said to an artificial monstrosity!"

"Hey! Katya was not a monstrosity!" Archer barked.

"Actually I was referring to Krieger and **that!** " Mallory pointed to Mitsuko. "But thank you Sterling for reminding me of the Cyborg Wedding Disaster Part Two!"

"Any-way as I was saying…" Lana let out a breath.

"Hang on Lana," Archer held up his hand. He looked at his mother. "You think Krieger is closer to marriage with his hologram girlfriend than _me and Katya?"_

"Well she didn't cheat on Krieger with a douchebag!" Pam spoke up.

"Thank you Pam!" Mallory said. "That's exactly my point!"

"And the cartoon bitch is still here," Cheryl pointed out. "I don't know how but…"

"Who you calling cartoon bitch, bitch?" Mitsuko glared at her.

"HEY IDIOTS!" Lana shouted. "SHUT UP! I'D LIKE TO TALK TO RAY ALONE FOR A MINUTE IN PRIVATE IF YOU DON'T MIND?"

"You don't have to yell!" Cheryl threw up her hands. "Jesus!"

AJ started to cry. "Way to go Lana!" Archer said. "You made the baby cry."

"Just take her out for a minute while I talk to Ray?" Lana groaned.

"Yes but not because you said so," Archer said as he took the car seat.

"Yeah I wanna go check the casino again," Krieger nodded. "Come Mitsuko!"

"Yay!" Mitsuko floated off.

"Good idea," Cheryl said as they left. "We need to find our driver."

"I need to find a bar…" Mallory grumbled.

"Just go…" Lana groaned.

"Some people are so self-centered," Archer remarked as they left.

"And that's **you** saying that," Cyril remarked. "OW! Archer!"

Soon the two were alone in the bus. "Hey dummy…" Lana smirked.

"Hey…" Ray said weakly.

"I'm sorry…" They said at the same time.

"Lana I never meant to…" Ray began. "You know?"

"Yeah well…" Lana admitted sheepishly. "Maybe a tiny part of it was on me too? I should have just talked to you instead of just assuming…You know what? From now on we just tell it like it is. Deal?"

"Deal," Ray smiled as Lana hugged him.

"I really screwed things up didn't I? Just because I couldn't accept…" Ray let out a breath as Lana released him. "What I am. God it's like coming out of the damn closet all over again."

"There's nothing wrong with you being a cyborg Ray," Lana said. "Actually I think it's pretty damn cool. Don't tell Archer I said that."

"Obviously," Ray smirked. "We really should have talked sooner."

"I know…" Lana sighed. "I'm so sorry Ray. I mean what with AJ and Archer…I've been a pretty shitty friend haven't I?"

"I wouldn't go that far but…" Ray said. "Look I get it. I know I'm not a priority in your life."

"I **want** you to be," Lana said. "Damn we really should have had this conversation sooner."

"Well maybe if **somebody** wasn't screwing **somebody else** in the broom closet all day," Ray gave him a look. "Damn girl it's bad enough I'm going through a dry streak you gotta rub it in my face?"

Both looked at each other. "Phrasing," They said at the same time.

Lana started to laugh. "Oh God Archer is rubbing off on us!"

"Phrasing," Ray smirked.

"Yeah okay as long as we're talking about stupid things we **shouldn't** have done…" Lana let out a breath. "Katya?"

"Krieger's idea, believe it or not," Ray shrugged. "But yeah we felt an intervention was needed. We couldn't take the smoochy-boochy anymore."

"We couldn't have been _that_ bad!" Lana protested.

"You kind of were," Ray pointed out.

"Oh god we were weren't we?" Lana groaned.

"I felt like I was going to all upchucky-wucky all over the damn floor!" Ray gave her a look. "Sorry."

"Me too," Lana let out a breath.

Ray smirked. "Trust me you don't want to know what Cheryl suggested. And she had a freaking flipbook she worked on for a year. Which was really disturbing in more ways than one."

"So **Krieger** had the more logical plan? Lana groaned.

"Scary isn't it?" Ray asked.

Lana sighed. "Damn we really should have talked before now!"

"Well we're talking **now,** " Ray said. "That's the important thing."

"We almost didn't because…" Lana made it a point to hold Ray's robotic hand. "Don't **ever** do anything that stupid again because of me. Okay Dumbass?"

"It really was stupid," Ray groaned. "I can't believe how dumb I was. Fine, I'll practice seatbelt safety from now on. I promise."

"Good because I need you around to help keep me sane," Lana pointed out.

"Girl since when have you ever been sane?" Ray raised an eyebrow.

"You!" Lana lightly punched him in the arm.

"Ow! Hostile work environment," Ray teased.

"It's good to have you back Ray," Lana grinned.

"It's good to **be** back," Ray tested his arm movements. "And to move again!"

"Well move over here and give me another hug," Lana hugged him. "No offense Ray, but this running gag of you getting hurt is starting to get old."

"How do I think **I** feel about it?" Ray groaned.

"Awwwww…" Pam poked her head in. "You two are so cute together! You really should consider banging each other."

"Pam! Nothing like that is going on!" Lana groaned as they pulled away.

"Or ever will," Ray groaned.

"I know," Pam said as she walked over to them. "I was listening at the door."

"Okay Pam…" Ray groaned. "Let me have it because I **know** I deserve it!"

Pam smirked then messed up his hair. "Dumbass!"

"You're going to hang onto this for **years** aren't you?" Ray groaned.

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "We've got a writing contest going on for the best name. Crash Test Dummy Ray."

"God damn it," Ray groaned rubbing his eyes with his other hand. "Why the hell couldn't I just accept being a damn cyborg in the first place?"

"Well transitioning is a difficult time for anyone," Pam pointed out. "I mean transsexuals have it hard enough imagine being a trans-species!"

"I'm still human! Well parts of me are…" Ray frowned.

"I think some of what happened is on me too," Pam admitted. "As HR it's my job to ensure the health and well-being of the employees. And part of my job is to make sure people's transitioning runs smoothly too. Instead I was a bit too focused on gossip and malt liquor."

"Pam don't take this the wrong way," Ray gave her a look. "But you were the world's worst HR manager. Ever!"

"Yeah looking back on it now I'm pretty sure office work wasn't exactly my forte," Pam shrugged.

"No shit," Lana gave her a look.

"Just don't do it again Stupid," Pam lightly punched him in the arm. "You and I are the original and only members of the Gay and Bisexual Union around here."

"What about you and Cheryl?" Ray asked.

"Eh…Not really sure about her," Pam shrugged. "Not using any definitions. Whatever happens…happens. You know?"

"Wait **what** about you and Cheryl?" Lana did a double take.

"Don't worry about it," Ray and Pam said at the same time.

"We were all worried about **you,** " Lana said to Ray. "Well most of us. Even Archer was concerned. Thought you might actually commit suicide or something."

Ray's silence unnerved her. "Ray?" Lana asked.

"Not intentionally but I had a few…dark thoughts," Ray admitted. "Let's just say for a moment when I was dying…. I really was tempted to just…let go."

Ray added quickly. "But I don't anymore. I'm okay with being a cyborg now Lana. Honest."

"Good because this is like the third or fourth time you almost died on me," Lana pointed. "Getting to be a running joke."

"It's not **that funny** ," Ray grumbled.

"Ms. Archer wanted to throw you out of the truck," Pam told him. "Then she wanted to throw Cheryl out of the truck. Then Cheryl tried to stab Ms. Archer with another damn tungsten needle…"

"Where does she get those?" Ray asked.

"I have no idea," Pam groaned. "Then Ms. Archer tried to strangle Cheryl. Then me. Then Cheryl tried to kill her again…"

"Basically you being in a coma was the high point of that trip," Lana groaned. "I swear if I never go to New Mexico again it will be too soon."

"I feel the same way about a few Red states," Ray smirked. "So we're detectives now?"

"It was the closest thing to being a spy Archer could think of," Lana admitted. "And its not that bad an idea. I bet with our field agent backgrounds we could all get certified easily. And it might be safer too..."

Suddenly several gunshot sounds were heard. "What the shit is that?" Ray blinked.

Archer ran in with his gun drawn. Cyril was close behind him carrying AJ. "Sorry to cut this short but we really need to go!" Archer barked.

"Archer what the hell happened?" Lana barked as the others ran in.

"Uh we need to go now," Archer told her. "Right **now!"**

"Cyril give the baby to Lana and start up the bus!" Mallory ordered as she held her weapon. She shot out a few rounds from her own weapon.

"What about Manuel?" Pam asked.

"He can't help us now," Archer had put away his gun and had taken AJ. "Ray please tell me you're strapped in this time! Oh wait you are! Never mind!"

"GUN IT CYRIL!" Mallory shouted as she pushed a button that closed the door of the bus.

"Archer what the hell is going on?" Lana shouted as the bus lurched wildly. The sounds of gunfire were heard outside. "WHO'S SHOOTING AT US?"

"Remember when Manuel and I won ten thousand dollars at the casino the other day?" Krieger asked.

"I certainly do not remember that!" Mallory barked.

"Well technically not because we cheated," Krieger admitted. "Very easy to do so by the way. You would think the local mob that runs this casino would have better security on their machines…"

"Oh my God…" Lana groaned.

"Apparently Manuel also had a gambling problem," Archer remarked.

" **Had** a gambling problem?" Lana asked.

"Yeah he's kind of dead," Archer admitted.

" **Kind** of dead?" Ray screamed in a high pitched voice.

"Actually he's really dead," Archer admitted. "Bullet went right through his brain. So yeah, poor choice of words on my part."

"Krieger you Nazi nitwit!" Mallory yelled.

"The money is under your seat," Krieger told her. "I was going to tell you to invest it in our new agency's lab."

"Oh," Mallory looked under the seat and pulled out a small sack of cash. She looked through it. "Never mind. Good job Krieger."

"Remember a lot of that is going to my lab," Krieger said.

"He did steal that money Mother," Archer admitted. "He kind of deserves it."

"We'll give him half for the lab," Mallory said. "The rest goes to the new agency."

"So don't say I never contribute financially!" Krieger snapped.

"I decided to live for **this**?" Ray groaned. "Wait who the hell was Manuel?"

"Wow you really were out of the loop weren't you?" Krieger asked.

It wasn't long before the party bus was way out of town. "Okay I think we lost them," Archer looked out the window. "Good! Next stop LA!"

"So now I guess we can put Reno on the ever growing list of places we can never go back to," Cyril grumbled as he drove the bus.

"It's not Vegas so it doesn't matter anyway," Archer told him. "Besides we're going straight to LA to begin our new lives as private detectives! I can already taste the intrigue!"

"I just have a bad feeling about this crazy idea of yours," Mallory grumbled.

"Come on! It's not like this is going to end with one of us floating dead in a pool or something like a parody of Sunset Boulevard!" Archer scoffed.

"Why do I have a weird feeling whenever you say stuff like that?" Krieger blinked.

"Is it an erection?" Mitsuko asked.

"Yes," Krieger grinned. "Yes it is!"

 **And so the latest adventure begins…**


End file.
